Thoughts on Mother's Day

Last night as I was putting Will to bed he said to me "Hey mommy, do you know that Ruby REALLY likes you?". It made me laugh because it's true- wherever I am, there is Ruby. She is my little shadow, brushing her teeth when I brush mine, helping me cook and put away dishes. If my hair is in a pony tail she wants her hair in a pony tail. If Brad tries to take her out of the car she cries and says "No, mommy!".  This has been an adjustment for me. Will is much more laid back and chill and whereas he loves his mommy, his love is not as intense and pursuing(sometimes down-right stalkerish) as Ruby's. Ruby is watching my every move, keeping a close eye on my comings and goings, emulating everything I do. It has made me extra conscious about how I talk about myself and how I spend my time. I am Ruby's definition of womanhood.

There are times when I try to think back about moments with my own mother and I feel sad when my memories of her are blurry or incomplete. It has been over 20 years since she died. I was nine years old. As I look at my own children and the little kids in my neighborhood the reality of what it would mean for one of them to lose their mother really sets in and I realize the significance of my loss. I was a little girl just about to enter the torturous years of middle school and my mom, my definition of womanhood, was dying in our living room and all I could do was look on and watch it happen. I remember feeling confused, powerless, and most of all lost. I spent the next few years after her death not really knowing quite what to do with myself.

Motherhood has brought me back to my mother in a special way. When Ruby cries and I scoop her up into my arms to comfort her and she slimes my shoulders with her mouth, I remember the saltiness of my mother's skin when I would cry in her arms in the same way. When I read to my children before bed and they snuggle into my sides I remember her reading Teddy Bears Picnic and The Giving Tree to me. As I plan birthday parties and holidays dozens of memories flood into my mind of her making every celebration special and extravagant. I am comforted when I realize that I don't have to remember everything perfectly because my life is all wrapped up in her life just like Ruby's life is all wrapped up in mine. Even if I can't quite remember her voice or what her laugh sounded like I can feel her in my veins. I can hear her voice in my own voice, her laugh in my own laugh, her sigh in my own sigh.

It has been over twenty years and at times the pain is still fresh and my loss is glaring.  I desperately wanted her there on my wedding day and at the births of my children. The difference between now and when I was young is that life is now livable and I don't feel lost anymore.  As I've matured as a woman and grown comfortable in my own skin I feel thankful for who she was and how she loved me.  As I parent my children I am thankful for her example during my early formative years. Happy Mother's Day to my kind, intelligent, thoughtful, beautiful, creative, gentle mother. I miss you. I love you. I can't wait to see you again and introduce you to my beautiful family.